Just Life

My heart, it was a gun

Just a quick note of catch-up from the last couple of days before I pack for our trip to St. Louis early tomorrow morning. We’ve just returned home from the Wallace House, where it was our turn to cook dinner for the 30-plus Fellows, Wallace House staff and guests – and I must say that it went swimmingly. Chris’ partner in the endeavor, Charles Clover Middle East & Africa Editor for the Financial Times of London and big fan of Russian culture – expressed his desire to make it a Russian meal. To that end, he had oodles of vodka on hand and whipped up some truly delicious plov, a pilaf with rice, lamb, carrots, onions, raisins, dried apricots and a host of spices. Delicious stuff.

While Clover seemed content to serve vodka as both appetizer and dessert, Chris and I felt perhaps we needed to pad the meal out a tad. On the Russian front, we scared up some dark pumpernickel rye bread and a doled out plates of pickled herring and beets.

I made a nice winter spinach salad with dried cranberries, thinly sliced crescents of Granny Smith apples, candied pecans and goat cheese. Chris thought we should inject a little Scotland into the affair, so we spent the morning rolling up sausage rolls for an additional appetizer and I attempted my first sticky toffee pudding which, considering I was tripling the recipe, turned out pretty well.

I think everyone enjoyed themselves well enough, if the raucous toasts were any indication. (My favorite toast was, by far, Kim’s. She represented her nation with an authentic Australian toast: “To absent friends…Fuck ‘em all.” Just my speed, that one.) It did occur to me that with so much vodka being consumed, we could have served up just about anything – but I’m glad we took the high road. And I hope to never have to cater to that many people again. Quote of the evening goes to Clover – a very quiet, cerebral and generally composed man, for those who don’t know him. He wandered into the kitchen somewhere midway between plov and dessert and says to me, “Don’t let me do any more toasts. I’m completely hammered.”

All in all, a sublime evening. And speaking of sublime evenings, Tuesday night was even more so, thanks to a tremendous performance by Jeff Tweedy at the Michigan Theater. First of all, the venue – which I hadn’t been in yet – is a stunning place, all old-school fanciness with gold-painted detailing. And Tweedy took the stage and filled the place as though they were old friends, perfectly made for one another. I’ve seen him a bunch of times in various incarnations over the years – Uncle Tupelo, Wilco and now solo – and I’ve never walked away so impressed.

He sang a perfect balance of old and new tunes, spanning his entire music career, each song pared down with just a guitar and his voice. That voice, no longer as raw and raspy as it was a decade ago, now strong and earning every note. Beautiful stuff. He also seemed more confident and, hell, even endearing than in previous times, interplaying nicely with the audience. Even the most familiar songs were reinvented and he “dug deep” (his own words) to play some really rare numbers.

In fact, I had one of those odd moments that occur in life, when you know you’re in the right place at the right time and maybe the heavens are aligning or maybe there’s a god or maybe it’s all random – but whatever it is, it’s smashing. People were shouting out names of songs in a cacophony that made single titles unintelligible and I found myself wishing that he’d strum out a version of “Gun.”

It’s a song from Uncle Tupelo’s 1991 album, Still Feel Gone, and while it’s by no stretch their best tune, it’s the one that my friend T. played for me as we rode around Bloomington, Indiana, in her beat-up vintage car that year. Mid-winter, there’s no heat, we’re freezing our asses off but drunk enough to not give a damn and we drove around aimlessly, smoking cigarettes and playing “Gun” over and over and over again. Hitting rewind at the end of it, listening to the cassette tape protest its backward travels before the harsh guitar riff started us off again.

It’s the song that really got me to pay attention to Uncle Tupelo. And it's a song I've never heard played live. And it's the song, as I'm sure you've already guessed, that Jeff Tweedy launched into just as I was thinking to myself that there was no way in hell he'd pull out something that obscure. Sweet moments, those are. Much like the four - count 'em, four - encores the boy treated us to, saying, after the second, "You know, I just don't really feel like going anywhere." And for as long as he played, for as long as his doleful lyrics echoed throughout the theater, neither did I.

Breaking news: women have health issues?

I can’t do it. I just can’t. I’ve been trying to keep this blog updated with all the goings-on but days pass here at a stunning clip, packed with people and activities and before I know it, a week or so has slipped away and I’ve written nothing here. I suspect that people are going on with their lives quite swimmingly anyway, but the thing is…I want to be able to share it all. I want to help people understand just what a tremendous opportunity this is. Yesterday, the Knight-Wallace Foundation and sponsorship partner The Kellogg Foundation hosted a conference on Women’s Health, exploring the press and public policy. It’s an annual affair, focusing each time on a different topic. This year involved a rather impressive panel of experts and journalists, including keynote speaker Susan Wood, who famously resigned her position as Director of the Office of Women’s Health at the FDA after the agency announced its refusal to approve an emergency contraceptive for over-the-counter use. For pro-choice advocates and many passionate about women’s health, she’s about as close to a rock star as it gets – albeit one disguised with long, grey hair older than her years, pulled into a grandmotherly bun at the back of her head.

Considering she was allotted a mere ten minutes to speak (in order to get to the other panelists), Wood made some really interesting points. There’s been a lot of to-do about her decision, many people equating emergency contraception with abortion and turning this into a religious, moral and ethical decision. Wood made it clear, however, that her problem with the FDA’s decision was about science.

Essentially, the FDA put Plan B into “rule-making” status which Wood equates to never-ending bureaucratic limbo – a way to kill its approval without saying so. She noted that this is not about abortion – it’s about women’s access to contraception and that the decision flew in the face of all FDA precedent. No other method of OTC contraception had ever been subjected to such rule-making. There were no concerns about this medication’s safety and efficacy. In fact, it contains the very same hormone – progesterone – that other contraceptive pills use. It was, Wood said, “an unprecedented overruling of scientific consensus and medical evidence.” And that, she pointed out, was what she objected to – essentially, that the FDA took a stance that was outside of their purview, contrary to their historical role and actions. It appeared that Wood took issue with her resignation being co-opted by either side of the pro-choice movement when, really, it’s about a much larger issue.

Her resignation, she explained, “came at a time when it added to the debate about government competence and how decisions were being made….It is those larger issues about science and what you expect from government – and what you should insist on from government – that are important.” Her implication was clear – once the FDA starts making decisions based on anything other than science (such as morals, etc.), it’s dangerous territory.

“Science needs to drive our health policy decision making,” Wood noted. “This is something we should all insist upon.” And she urged members of the press to help define and, in a sense, monitor the “proper role” of the FDA (and other agencies) in science.

Imagine what she could have gotten across in 11 minutes, no?

Wood was followed by a varied group of women in public health, including Vivian Pinn, Director of the Office of Research on Women’s Health at the NIH; Frances Visco, President of the National Breast Cancer Coalition; Kimberlydawn Wisdom, Michigan’s Surgeon General; and several other notable authors and members of the press.

I was intrigued by Visco’s take on the whole cult of breast cancer events. I presumed she’d speak positively about the massive amount of PR and media exposure breast cancer, as a cause, seems to have successfully achieved. It’s something I’ve thought about a lot, especially over the last two years.

After my mother died, I read everything I could about women and heart disease. I discovered that it affects and kills more women than breast cancer – and that lack of knowledge about the symptoms of women’s heart attacks (which often differ drastically from men’s) is part of the reason that women are far more likely to die of heart attacks than men.

In short (too late, I hear you say), I’ve become frustrated that women’s heart disease doesn’t have the same level of PR and activism as breast cancer. Why aren’t we lighting buildings red and buying all sorts of red things on the same scale as we do with the infamous color pink? Visco was firm in her belief, however, that this kind of exposure doesn’t actually help the cause for breast cancer. “The more attention [these things] get, things start to become more of a sound bite rather than a meaningful discussion,” she said.

I had a chance to speak with Visco about her position in person at a reception afterwards at the Wallace House. She reiterated her concern about the role the media can play by focusing on the wrong things (often unwittingly), disseminating erroneous information and giving more exposure to lighting buildings pink and PR-seeking politicians than focusing on the real issues at hand. Very interesting woman.

------Random notes & catch-up:

Youssou N'Dour's Egypt at the Hill Auditorium was a stunning event and the only thing that rivaled his powerful voice were the wonderful women in the audience, wrapped up in traditional Senegalese garb, yards of fabric around their bodies and head. Occasionally throughout his performance, one or two would suddenly jump to their feet, as if seized by an uncontrollable urge, as if their seats could simply no longer contain them. They'd bounce like jewels, the light dancing off the sequins of their gowns, limbs akimbo, hands wringing the air until, as abruptly as they'd taken to their feet, they would return to their seats.

I'm a-comin' home again

It seems that I’m never in Ann Arbor long before another obligation is drawing me out of town. On Friday morning – after we present our dinner to the Fellows Thursday – Chris and I head back to St. Louis for the weekend. It’s time for another installment of Free Candy and I absolutely cannot wait to do it.

For you St. Louisans out there, we’ve got some great guests lined up. Edna Gravenhorst will be joining us – she and two friends started Three Nosey Broads, an agency that investigates the secret history of your historic home. Plus, we’ll have guest band City Folk and also Rob Thurman, taking the baton from KWMU’s Tom Weber as one of St. Louis Magazine's newly named Top Singles. I’ll be catching all of you up on the adventures of the Knight-Wallace Fellowship and life in Ann Arbor. Like you need to hear more. Hope to see you there - Sunday, Nov. 13 @ 7 pm, Hartford Coffee Company. Hey, it's FREE!

On the writing front

I'm excited to have a piece in the upcoming debut issue of 52nd City, from scenesters Thomas Crone, Andrea Avery & Stefene Russell. In addition, I've just finished an essay that will appear in Spike Gillespie's upcoming book on, gulp, anger. Keep your eyes peeled!

I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you

Our Ann Arbor Halloween came and went without much notice, at least in our neck of the woods. Knowing we were staying in that evening - and not wishing to draw the wrath of disappointed youth upon our rental property - we loaded up on candy and drew straws to see who would be on door duty first. We needn’t have bothered. There were only two small groups of miniature monsters and we were left with pounds of candy we fobbed off on the Wallace House Tuesday evening. Our candy paled in comparison to that evening’s meal, which was prepared by Fellows Jamie Butters (Detroit Free Press) and Vanessa Bauza (Florida Sun Sentinel, Havana) – along with tremendous help from Amy Butters and Lisa Rapaport. Jamie gave us a little Detroit flava with Coney Island hot dogs to start along with his specialty pizza which entails a proprietary cheese mixture that requires St. Louis’ own provel “cheese.” It was followed by a Cuban-style treat from Vanessa, including ropa vieja, rice, beans and plantains with mango ice cream and chocolate chip cookies for dessert. One thing’s certain – the fellows know how to down some food.

Today, I was one of only two spouses (props to Sedat!) to drag their lazy asses out of bed and show up at the Wallace House by 7:30 am for a trip into Detroit. (My apologies to the spouses who had legitimate reasons, such as children or even classes, for staying at home. Really, I’m just out to get Rainey for skippin’ out.) I wasn’t really entirely prepared for the day we had ahead of us because Chris "misplaced" his itinerary, so when I took my seat on the bus I wasn’t entirely sure what we were in for. dintymoore_familyThe answer was: a long day, with much to see. We started off with a trip to the offices of Bloomberg News . Yes, the technology they have is impressive. Yes, there are many fascinating applications for Bloomberg in the fast-changing world of news. But, man, the truly notable part of that stop was the fully-stocked kitchen they have for employees and visitors. I mean, who offers their workers free cans of Dinty Moore stew? Almost no one, that’s who.

After a short stop there, we boarded our bus again and headed to the Detroit Free Press where we got to interrupt their morning news meeting. The most challenging part of that trip was finding the bathrooms, but native son Jamie “Black Eye” Butters helped me out with that one. I was actually very impressed with a brief talk given to us by Executive Editor Caesar Andrews – especially since he’s a Gannett player. He has a clear and passionate vision for and sense of what a newspaper should be and what its role is – its obligation, in fact – in and to its community.

Next, we trotted off to Focus: HOPE, a truly impressive non-profit operation that is, in their own words,

“a nationally recognized civil and human rights organization in Detroit, Michigan. Our mission is to use intelligent and practical action to fight racism, poverty and injustice.”

We got a tour of their quite massive facilities for education and manufacturing, child care and education and food assistance. The highlight for me was having the chance to chat briefly with a woman who has coordinated the volunteers for the food assistance program for more than two decades. For the life of me, her name escapes me, but when it comes to people who are forces for good in this world – perhaps for no other reason than because it’s the right thing to do – she’s the real deal.

After a brief time-killing tour of some of downtown Detroit – during which area residents John Bacon and Butters tried to out-dazzle one another with their tour guide talents – we arrived at the Department of Homeland Security. And that, my friends, is the sum total of what I’m allowed to tell you about that visit without risking immediate revocation of my green card and ensuring a swift escort back to the motherland. Although, I’ll risk it all to tell you that I got a dandy souvenir pin from ICE (that’s Immigrations & Customs Enforcement, for those of you who aren’t “in” with the government.)

Since none of us here seems quite used to getting up and going quite so early – everyone seems to have easily and willingly forgotten the routine of having a job – we were all quite knackered by the time all was said and done. It didn’t stop us yakking on the way home about our upcoming week which includes what is for us a rare Tuesday night without a KWF event.

tweedyFor Chris and I, and a couple of others in the group, it means we can actually go to the Jeff Tweedy show at The Michigan Theater . It occurs to me that I haven’t done much writing about music here – largely because we haven’t seen any shows. Ann Arbor, like many college towns, gets some great acts but, for some odd reason, most of them seem to be on Tuesday or Thursday nights when we’re usually booked. But I’m eager to check out some of the venues, including The Ark , which draws a really admirable range of acoustic talent.

In addition, a few weeks back, each Fellow got to request a pair of free tickets to one of a number of upcoming University Musical Society events. So we’ve got tickets to Youssou N’Dour’s Egypt this Saturday at 8 pm at the Hill Auditorium. Looking forward to that one. There’s just no shortage of fabulous events to take advantage of in this li’l town – it’s just a matter of working them into our busy schedules!

You can't go home again

The last glimpse I took, quite intentionally, was from the window of the living room, looking down at back garden, stretching beyond the fence, narrowing to a point on the other side of the small creek where, although it was hidden from sight, I knew an old Adirondack chair sat. Even though the seasons were different, the grass tired and matted and preparing for the winter ahead, it wasn’t hard to envision us five years before. In the lush of May, amidst early humidity and bursting sprays of Dogwood, Chris and I were married in my parents backyard in Louisville. This week, I returned to that house to help my father pack up the last of his belongings before moving out. I never lived in that house but my parents had for 15 years. My family crushed around the long farm table in the kitchen for Christmas dinners and I spent countless summer weekends lounging by the pool. My littlest nieces learned to swim in the chlorinated water. And in the master bedroom, at the end of a narrow hallway, my mother died of a heart attack two years ago.

After two years of rattling around the place, taking comfort – and sometimes feeling pain – in the constant reminders of my mother, my father is moving out. The house is too much for him, and it’s time. He’s ready to leave but, I realized, I may not have been ready to see him do so. Fortunately, there was plenty to be done – decisions to be made about what to keep and what to store, piles of items to be set aside for my sister and brothers and I to sift through later. There were myriad reminders of my mother, not just in every paint color and curtain fabric, but in the tins of golden syrup on the baking shelf in the pantry, in the half-finished crossword puzzle book found tucked away on a cupboard shelf and in her young, curling handwriting on a jotter from a poetry class at teacher’s college. My brother and I dismantled the display her colleagues had made for the memorial service at the pre-school where she taught. We laughed at the battered remains of our childhood stuffed animals, missing limbs and spilling stuffing, a set of black plastic eyeballs painted over with White Out. We grabbed onto miscellaneous pieces of silver in which my father saw no value, if only because we remembered them from our childhood.

Stepping out for a bite to eat, we stopped by the dry cleaners to pick up some of my father’s clothing. The owner greeted my father warmly, by name, and I was struck by how unusual it is to see such a thing anymore. “Are you Thomson’s daughter?” the man asked, when my father stepped outside for a moment. I nodded. “How fantastic for you!” he said and his enthusiasm dissuaded me from arguing the point. “Of course,” he continued. “We knew your mother too. She taught with my mother-in-law. We miss her something terrible.” I nodded again, I think. I mumbled something, perhaps thanks, stunned at how quickly the sadness still bursts in at unexpected moments. Amazed at how moving it is to have the dry cleaner have known your mother. At the door, I stopped and I turned back to the man for a moment. “Thanks for your kindness to my dad,” I said. “It’s the little stuff, you know?” The man nodded. He knew. I managed not to fall apart. Again.

The saving grace of the entire trip, the thing that stopped it from being unbearable, was the magnitude of the task at hand, the sheer volume of stuff that needed to be worked through and so, it wasn’t until 48 hours had passed and the movers were on the van and my own bag was in hand, ready for my return to Ann Arbor that the sadness really presented itself. For the first time in 34 years, there was no family home, no central place my mother and father had created among them. Again, we were all sent reeling, casting about in the absence of my mother to find our own places and our own ways. And we would. We will. That much I know.

-----------------------

By the time I returned to Ann Arbor on Friday night, after flying through Chicago, I was exhausted in every sense of the word. I’d picked up the cold that everyone on earth seems to be passing around. My limbs ached from lifting and sorting and running around. My head ached constantly and my fibromyalgia was nagging at me incessantly, warning me of an impending reappearance. When my husband was waiting for me at the airport with a bouquet of white roses, I melted, folded into their fragrance and asked to be taken home.

Unfortunately, our car wasn’t havin’ it. We replaced the alternator on the Saturn last week (our fourth, thank you, very much) and we noticed the power waning as we left the airport. Fortunately, we made it to a car rental place before the car died, although we were very helpfully informed by the rental car place that we couldn’t park our car there for more than 30 minutes, even if we were renting from them. We tried to explain the difference between parking our car and having it die on us, but their approach to customer service did not accommodate such distinctions. Yet, we were able to call for a tow and ply Budget with some of our dough despite their overall lack of helpfulness.

Saturday, Chris, Vanessa Bauza and I attended a short story workshop as part of the 826 Fundraiser. Entitled “Where Good Story Ideas Come From” and taught by writer Julie Orringer it was a really great energizer, sparking again that flame I fed this summer at Iowa. I used to think I was relatively lucky in that writing often comes to me easily. Especially the business stuff, the pieces I write for clients. It rolls out of me, in complete sentences and paragraphs, with little rewrite required.

Now I’m not so sure that’s a blessing. It means that I’ve never had to really develop the discipline of a really good writer. And I’ve always sort of thought that rule didn’t apply to me, that somehow I could produce great bodies of work without, well, working at it. Finally, at this point in my life, I’m getting it. It ain’t gonna happen. I’m simply going to have to get disciplined, develop an ethic and work hard if I want to write this book or, frankly, anything of meaning.

This may seem obvious to some, but my ability to delude myself and my desire to take the easy road are dazzlingly powerful. I don’t want to write. I want to have written. I want that feeling where I’ve produced something. I want my book to pour out of me with the ease of the rote marketing texts I churned out for years. I want beautiful, breathtaking sentences to arrive in my mind complete, requiring only transcribing.

And then there is the fear that stands in front of me. Even if I manage to become disciplined, to apply my ass to the seat, what if nothing comes out? What if it turns out I’m no good? Or what if it turns out I have one good piece in me and I’m done? What if the ideas that seem genuine and fascinating in my head don’t translate to the paper? Amazing how I can avoid the moment in front of me by seizing on those that have yet to materialize. Kind of my specialty, I think.

----------------

Sunday, Chris and I took a long walk in the morning, followed by another lovely brunch at Wallace House. I was surprised how much I was eager to see everyone again after being away for a few days. We’ve heard tell of previous Fellowship classes that just didn’t gel and it’s hard to imagine. Maybe we’re just lucky, but this is truly a great group of folks and I think we genuinely like each other. It was a dipping day, centering around some wondrous fondue whipped up by Lisa and complemented with some other items, some of them even bordering on healthful. The kids came out in their Halloween costumes, so we enjoyed the company of Tweety Bird, a fierce lion and a raucous young vampire.

A special treat to us, our friend Kathy O’Connor was in town visiting family nearby and she came by the Wallace House with her daughter Keira, who we had yet to meet. It was so wonderful to see old friends again and, frankly, to have them see what a terrific experience this is for us. We wandered around Ann Arbor a bit with them and then Chris and I walked around campus a bit in the late afternoon. I can’t get over how vibrant the fall colors are here. It’s like relentless beauty, just amazing shades of yellow, orange and red. The perfect colors for Sunday.

Every night is party night at Wallace House

It seemed we barely had enough time to recover from the weekend before we found ourselves all suited up and back at the Wallace House for this Tuesday’s program. This week, writer, professor and Knight-Wallace Foundation board member Nicholas Delbanco read to us from some of his work and led a brief discussion on the relationship between novel writing and reporting. It’s always interesting to me to see writers read their own work and Delbanco clearly seems to enjoy doing so. He’s the opposite of some writers I’ve seen, the kind that try to shrink into their chair or hide behind their podium, seemingly embarrassed by their work. 10.25.05 Min-Ah & SemihaThe mood seemed slightly different to me than on previous Tuesday nights. I think it was the combination of some real bonding having taken place over the weekend and the slightly more relaxed atmosphere as Charles Eisendrath was in New York for an event featuring Mike Wallace. Sort of like having your parents go out of town, although Birgit would have kept us in line, I’m sure. “I still want to work here,” she said. Min-Ah Kim was the first to present and she told us both about her life in South Korea and the country itself. I really like Min-Ah a great deal. She’s just unbelievably warm and friendly and laughs at absolutely everything. (In fact, for the most part, this is a pretty happy bunch – and understandably so, given the opportunity presented them.) I wasn’t surprised to learn of her fast descent to becoming the first female political reporter for her paper, which is South Korea’s independent daily. I was a little more surprised to learn that she, at one point, quit journalism to move to London and realize her dream of seeing Les Miserable from the front row. (This ultimately earned her a new nickname, Les Min.)

Drew Lindsay, managing editor of The Washingtonian magazine, went next. He didn’t reveal too much about himself – except in his incredibly sweet description of being bowled over by wife Sally upon first meeting her. At one point in their early marriage, if I heard correctly, he and Sally quit their jobs and spent ten months driving around the US, seeing everything they wanted to. What an amazing experience to have together.

10.25.05 Drew Lindsay It was interesting to get the perspective of a magazine guy, since the majority of people here have done the bulk of their work in daily newspapers. For me, it shed some light and answered some questions (while raising others) about city magazines. Having written for St. Louis Magazine in the past, I’ve always been kind of curious about the place and purpose of this type of publication.

Afterwards, we were treated to a simply magnificent meal prepared by Steve and Sarah Titherington and Luis “El Guapo” Vinker. It was, apparently, Luis’ first foray into cooking ever and while he claimed to have done nothing to help out, Sarah disagreed and was threatening to tell his wife in Argentina that he was now ready to help in the kitchen. Luis, needless to say, wasn’t down with that idea. But, he conceded, “it makes me appreciate my wife and what she does more.” Strike one for feminism in Argentina!

The meal started with the most exquisite stuffed red peppers, filled with cheese, basil, anchovies and drizzled with olive oil. A simple salad with a lovely vinaigrette followed and then came some of the best lasagna I’ve ever tasted – and I say that of both the meat and vegetarian varieties, which Chris and I shared. You can’t imagine my delight to learn that dessert was meringues with whipped cream and berries. A bit of a curiosity to Americans – who generally eat their meringue soft and on top of pies – meringues are one of those foods that are unbelievably nostalgic for me. When we were growing up, they were a frequent treat at birthday parties, fresh whipped cream sandwiched between two meringues – the perfect balance of hard shell and chewy bottom (tee hee, that sounds funny.) They reminded me of my mom.

Of course, she’s been on my mind a lot lately anyway, not just because it’s October. I’m heading to Louisville for a few days to help my father finish packing up the house in which they lived together for 14 years until her death two years ago. The new owner will move in by month’s end and then the place where my mother died, the back garden where Chris and I were wed will become part of someone else’s history. So strange.

I’ll return home late Friday and then on Saturday will attend a short story writing workshop with Julie Orringer, whose How to Breathe Underwater I’m finishing up. That evening is the 826 Monster’s Ball, including a reading by Elizabeth Kostova, who is the author of the NYT bestseller The Historian – and a former student of Nick Delbanco. Speaking of 826, I was regaled with donations last night towards the Oxford English Dictionary (abridged, two-volume) that I have convinced the Fellows would be a great contribution to 826 Michigan. In fact, we gathered more than enough money to cover the cost and have a little extra with which to purchase a few other books from their wish list. It feels really good to be making a mark as a group, a lasting contribution to Ann Arbor. Maybe it’s just the first of many more to come.

What happens up North stays up North

This weekend was the Fellowship trip “up North,” to allow us to experience the far reaches of the glorious state of Michigan all decked out in the magnificent colors of fall. And to provide a little enforced togetherness and bonding amongst our motley crew. Grambo & CC RiderOn Friday, Chris and I headed out with Fara Warner and Thomas Kamilindi as our passengers. As the entire state of Michigan is perpetually under construction, with highways narrowed down to one unmoving lane, we weren’t as expeditious as we’d hoped. But we passed the time swimmingly. I was privileged to share the back seat with Thomas and learn even more about Rwanda. Then, Fara and I decided to amuse Thomas with our limited French speaking skills. (Actually, amusing his wasn’t our intent, but certainly the overall effect.)

I feared we would be late to arrive as we were told to be there well in time for a 6 o’clock dinner. However, we were the first group to arrive at our digs, pulling in just around the same time as Birgit, KWF program manager and general saving grace. (It would be tough to overstate what a great asset she is to the program and how she’s turned wrangling all of us to one event or another into a graceful art.) Our destination was the rusticBoyne Valley Lodge , a rustic place with rustic lodging for rustic trips into the rustic. As far as places to stay go, it was pretty rustic, the sort of place built to accommodate large groups of high school students on ski trips. There was a dark, wood-paneled central room with a giant fireplace smack in the middle and four long picnic tables for accommodating meals. The walls were decorated with sort of a hodge-podge reflecting the passing of years – fading fake floral arrangements accompanied by oversized sepia-toned photo prints of the town several decades past, an American flag hanging from the ceiling and wall plaques asking for the Lord’s blessing.

On either side of the center room stretched a hallway, one leading to guest rooms, the other leading to more guest rooms, a game room and the outdoor heated pool. At first, I was pleased to learn that our room was one of those closest to the center. Why, I cannot say, since I’m the world’s lightest sleeper. But perhaps the crisp fall air was making me delirious. Or maybe I thought it would help me be first in line for meals.

Chris and I put our bags in our room, which was equipped with bunk beds enough to sleep eight – and little else. Wood paneled walls and a tiny window made for extremely low light, which may actually have been for the best. We had a sink in our room and a bathroom with a shower that dribbled water on those patient enough to wait for the water to heat. But it was clean and, frankly, probably the closest I’ll ever get to camping.

In truth, you simply can’t take a car ride with Thomas Kamilindi and hear about his life in Rwanda and then complain about your lodging. Especially when the KWF is footing the bill. And so the others straggled in and after we all got settled in our digs, we sat down to a dinner of lasagna and let the fun begin.

I’m not sure if it was Rainey who first plied the jukebox with quarters but I enjoy blaming her for the subsequent hour of perhaps the worst selection of music I’ve ever been privy to. Nothing good comes of hearing both the Macarena and Chumbawumba in one evening, let alone twice (each) in the space of an hour. Yet, we mingled around as some played pool and others (mostly children and parents with no other choice) got in the heated pool outside.

To say it was a fun evening is both an understatement and a necessary generality. I learned to play Squinch, a card game Stephannie brought. (The fact that it had a full page of instructions tells you how well I adapted to it, although by some mathematical fluke I did actually win.) And around us, much, much alcohol was consumed. And then the singing began.

John Bacon & Gail GibsonI’m not certain, but I believe the songs began when Gail was forced to make good on a bet she had with John “Jub Jub” Bacon – something to do with Michigan trouncing Michigan State a few weeks ago. Gail was a great sport and read/sang the Michigan fight song for the gang. Then, people were sharing tunes like crazy. Stephannie wowed us with her classically trained voice. Thomas sang a song in French. Sedat sang one in Turkish. Charles "C-Deuce" Clover sang a desperately sad-sounding Russian song. (When Chris asked him later what the song was about, he said, “I can’t remember. Something sad. I mean, there aren’t really any happy Russian songs.” Point taken.)

In addition, Min-Ah sang a traditional song from South Korea and, for some reason I can’t quite recall, Graham “Grambo” Griffith and John Bacon sang “Swing Low, Sweet Chariot.” At some point, Jamie “Black Eye” Butters whipped out his guitar and we did some well-intentioned – though not exactly harmonious – group numbers. I think what amazed me most was when he played Yellow Submarine and I looked up and everyone knew the lyrics – Min-Ah, from South Korea; Semiha, from Turkey; Thomas, from Rwanda. Even the Brits in the crowd seemed to be familiar with The Beatles. Go figure.

Thomas & Rainey get down!Speaking of Brits, Steve Titherington took over the guitar at one point to regale us with what he said was a traditional English number – and proceeded to lead everyone in a rousing rendition of “Jolene.” It was actually very cool – at the risk of treading on some pretty clichéd ground – that our real bonding started sharing songs and music. It really does have an amazing capacity for bringing people together and serving as common ground among cultures.

And, apparently, so does liquor. Thus, as the night went on, there was dancing. Lots of dancing. Semiha whipped out some bright orange scarves and led an impromptu belly dancing performance featuring Fara, Clover, Rainey and Vanessa. Pretty soon, Thomas was inventing a new dance – aptly titled “The Kamilindi” - which involved grabbing one foot behind you and hopping around on the other. This all turned into a performance by Kamilindi and the Rwandettes, who are bound to hit the road anytime now. Check your local listings for a performance near you.

Flanked by Fara and Vanessa, Jub Jub then sang some Ray Charles numbers into a beer can. That and the fact that Grambo was practically horizontal suggested it might be time for the wise to head to bed. (Truth is, the wise had headed to bed a good two hours ago.) By the time Chris and I turned in, it was 1:30. We might have crashed had we not been in a room that shared a wall with the main room. A thin, thin wall – as, we all discovered, all of the walls were. But Gerard "Mail Man" Riley and Jub-Jub had decided this would be a smart time for a soccer match.

Fara & Semiha shakin' itUnfortunately, our wall was Gerard’s goal target and, as far as we could tell, Gerard’s a good player. (The next morning, Gerard sensibly explained that if we were to be upset with anyone, it should really be with Bacon for being such a lousy goalie. Valid point.) I’m told the action finally wound down around 3:30, which meant that everyone was bright-eyed and bushy-tailed at breakfast the next morning. You know, if they made it to breakfast. (Note: Gail Gibson, who mainlined Scotch Friday night, showed up at breakfast clear-eyed and perfectly coiffed. She clearly has a deal with the devil.)

Saturday, I took a short stroll down the road from the lodge with Bacon, Clover, Rainey and Chris to check out a little creek nearby. It was absolutely crystal clear and chock full of large salmon zipping this way and the other. We made our way back and left shortly thereafter for a quick lunch at Red Mesa Grill (really great little Tex-Mex spot, by the way) in Boyne City on our way to Charles and Julia Eisendrath’s farm for the day.

The farmThe farm – which has been in Charles’ family for decades – is an absolutely gorgeous piece of land, dotted with apple trees and cherry trees, the latter generating enough income to keep the farm running. The main farm house was constructed of two kit houses built side to side, the exterior painted white with bright blue trim and shutters. (When we arrived, Charles already had a couple of former fellows hard at work piling up wood for the wood-burning furnace that is the home's primary source of heat.) At the top sits a crow’s nest we climbed up to in order to get a breathtaking view of the land and Lake Charlevoix. The land also holds two small guest cottages (one that does double duty as a heated garage), a large garage and several out-buildings.

At Charles' suggestion, kicked off our afternoon with a stroll through the woods where a yellow, leaf-strewn path led us down to the sandy banks of the chilly lake. On the way, we fortified ourselves with the most crisp and perfectly sweet apples plucked straight from the tree. At the lake, Chris and I watched as Fara and Clover (a former crew man at the University of Wisconsin at Madison) pulled the waiting canoe into the water and oared their way out into its center. Soon enough, we were joined by a gang of others. Some brave souls – including most of the children and the incorrigible Grambo – rolled up their pants and went wading in the water. The rest of us stood at the shore, huddled inside our sweaters and coats as people took turns helming the canoe.

After a bit, we wandered back up to the farm where our next activity awaited – cider pressing. We gathered up as many apples as we could from the ground, with children scattering in every direction and racing to grab up fruit and toss them into the back of Charles’ tractor. Once enough had been gathered, the pressing begun. It’s a quaint and incredibly slow process, but Drew and Sally Lindsay’s children seem no strangers to hard labor and if it weren’t for their diligent efforts – with help from some grown ups, especially Chris – we may not have had any cider to sample.

Cider makin'Some fellows gathered in the back yard to play the unfortunately-named game of Corn Hole. (It should surprise no one that Gail was responsible for this diversion.) Others of us, though, snuck into the house and warmed ourselves by the fire until it was time to head back down to the Lodge for dinner. Charles and Julia Eisendrath, along with some former fellows from years gone by, joined us back at the ole homestead for a dinner of barbecued chicken, rice, carrots and salad. Then we were treated to an impromptu “program” event, where two of the past fellows talked to us a little bit about life after journalism and the direction in which their lives had headed after the fellowship.

All of us were a bit exhausted by the time everything was said and done, so bed came earlier. (Although, some held their own in a card game until well after midnight.) Sunday morning, there wasn’t time for much other than breakfast and packing before we headed out the door, planning a quick round of shopping at the Birch Run Outlet on the way back. For this leg of the journey, we traded Vanessa for Thomas, as she wanted to shop some more and he, suffering from a cold, did not.

It was a nice trip back. I got a chance to hear even more about Fara’s book, “The Power of the Purse,” which discusses how major companies have finally come to recognize women as important consumers and the adjustments they’ve made to court my gender. (I bought it last week but haven’t started reading yet.) As a former marketer and a woman, I’m intrigued both by the subject matter and Fara’s opinions and knowledge. As a writer, I’m equally interested in the process of book writing itself.

To be honest, I haven’t made any ground on that myself since I arrived here. I’m a bit afraid and unsure of the process as well as grappling with whether or not I really do have a book in me. I’m getting some good tips from those around me and I think I’ll just have to formulate a plan and get started. As Dorothy Parker said, “The art of writing is the art of applying the ass to the seat.” I think what I’m most afraid of is getting my ass on the seat, my fingers on the keyboard and discovering I have nothing to say. Although, come to think of it, that’s not something I’ve ever been accused of….

The real reason we went to Canadia

Totem PolesI wish it involved some great mystery, but the truth is that Chris and I have accidentally but completely become addicted to watching season one of Lost on DVD. You know, in case you were wondering what kind of high-brow pursuits we were up to while on this fellowship. We simply had to escape for a couple of days. And escape we did. Yesterday proved to be an absolutely glorious day and we awoke in Windsor to our view of the sun glinting off the GM building across the river. "It's so beautiful," Chris said. "Like a ray of hope, a day alive with possibility at GM. Like the people inside are thinking, maybe today I'll build a new SUV, a bigger one that gets even fewer miles to the gallon." So moving.

As with most places, Windsor's waterfront is far more beautiful if the weather cooperates and so, although it was a tad chilly, we strolled west on the waterfront for a ways toward the public sculpture park. In fact, we've been struck this entire time with how much public art there is in Windsor. Really quite impressive. Even if, you know, I'm too dumb to get most of it. And we discovered the real reason Canada is so different from the United States. It has nothing to do with that "aboot" thing. The squirrels there are BLACK. BLACK SQUIRRELS! Amazing. I've never seen such craziness in my life. What is nature smoking?Canadian squirrel

We wanted to go to see the John Freeman Walls Historical Site and Underground Railroad Museum, dedicated to the last stop on the underground railroad. Problem was, we couldn't find it. We found the web site, which doesn't list an address and multiple listings of it in search engines, all with addresses Yahoo! maps said didn't exist. Quite the bummer. I mean, we understand the need to keep it hidden at the time, but really, there hardly seems a need for that now.

Next, we did what all good tourists do in any new city - checked out the yarn shops. (Oh, wait...is that just me?) I showed remarkable restraint by only picking up four skeins of yarn at a shop called Knit 1 Purl 1, where the owner was a middle-aged woman in black leather pants who stepped outside to smoke while I browsed. Smashing! (Note that I have absolutely no need for any more yarn, since I can't possibly knit up everything I've brought with me to Ann Arbor - and I don't even know what I'll make with it. But it was pretty. And soft....)

I also wanted to do some financial damage at the Duty Free shops - impress my family by sending them packages of the British candy we loved as kids (especially Flakes and Crunchies). But with both of our full attention focused on this task, we managed to somehow miss the Duty Free shops. Handily enough,right before you get on the bridge to the US, there's a sign that says, "Duty free shops? Ask the attendant." Since there was no attendant on the Canadian side, we asked the fine gent on the US side: "How do we get to the duty free shops?" His answer, delivered with shocking disregard for our needs, was, "You don't. You missed them. They're all on the Canadian side."

I would have spent the entire trip home sulking about that if I wasn't so busy sulking about the ridiculous traffic hold-ups on I-94 back into Detroit. The westbound highway was down to one lane with no one doing any actual construction anywhere, as far as we could see.

Now we're back in Ann Arbor and, I'll tell you, there's no need to go any further than our neighborhood to experience the most stunning fall colors I've ever seen. It's absolutely glorious out there today - just crisp enough for a light sweater, clear blue sky and trees displaying leaves the most unbelievable shades of orange, yellow and red. Choke cherries, walnuts and acorns crunch under your feet when you're not slushing through piles of fallen leaves. It's fall, my friends. And I love it.

Oh...Canadia.... Huh.

Never let it be said that Chris and I are not fly-by-the-seat-of-our-pants people, for we are. And to prove it, we made last-minute plans this morning to drive over to Windsor, Ontario for the night – my very first trip to Canadia. We fortified ourselves first on the lunch buffet at Raja Rani in Ann Arbor – not great Indian food, but decent, and a fairly generous buffet. Then, loaded down with curry, we got in the car and headed…um…east? South? I’m not really sure. I wasn’t paying much attention. One of the great things about living in a college town is college radio, which means you hear some unbelievably amateur DJ-ing and some really weird stuff. Such was the fare we caught on our way towards Ontario, when they played “The Black Cat,” an episode of a 1947 radio show entitled “Mystery of the Air.” In it, the fabulously over-the-top Peter Lorre narrated a fantascially predictable "dark and compelling tale" of a man who spirals into a drunken mania and winds up offing his black cat. The cat, naturally (or, perhaps, supernaturally) seeks revenge from beyond the grave.

Unfortunately, we lost the signal before we heard the end, but I’m going to go ahead and guess it wasn’t good. Not good at ALL! DUN DUN DUUUUNNNNN!

Anyhoo, it only takes about an hour from Ann Arbor to skirt Detroit and cross the Ambassador Bridge – suitably impressive for such a passage – into Canadia. There, at the border, I clutched my British passport and Resident Alien card and prepared myself to answer a whole slew of questions about my mother’s mother and the contents of my pill case. I was actually rather disappointed when we were waved through without incident, having been taken for our word at whether our trunk was weighed down with firearms. I must say that, at first sight, Windsor is a bit of a disappointment for someone who has let her excitement about visiting Canadia get completely out of proportion. (I should also mention that this doesn’t change much with subsequent sights, either.) First, we drove down a few rather nondescript streets to reach the Hilton on the waterfront, where my genius husband got us yet another unbelievable hotel room deal - $57 plus tax for the night.

Our hotel room, located on the 17th floor, has quite a nice little view of the Detroit skyline which, according to multiple sources, is one of the “best” things Windsor has to offer. Huh. Call me crazy, but I get far more pleasure from the site of a big, cushy bed made by someone other than me. But the view’s okay, too, I suppose.

Perhaps it didn’t help that it was gray and rainy, but a brief walk along the waterfront and an exploration of some of the streets surrounding our hotel didn’t yield much excitement. We’re just a couple of blocks from the Casino Windsor which looks like it was inspired by the Love Boat, a design concept that now sticks out like a bad suit from the same decade.

Right before the rain came down, we ducked into a little coffee shop where I observed a very strange phenomena – it seemed that every person in downtown Windsor was a rather weird looking middle aged white man. For a solid five minutes, all who entered or passed the coffee shop fit that description to a T, save for the young women behind the counter. I had just started to feel a little Twilight Zone, when a young family broke the spell by coming in out of the rain. But still. Weird.

It was still raining and we had no umbrella, so we headed back to our hotel where we killed an hour watching a Spanish soap opera. We understood nothing except that one woman was married to Eduard – who was not the guy she was kissing – and that an older guy had nothing. Plus, everyone cried. Compelling stuff, but we were both disappointed that our linguistic skills had not improved as a result of our viewing time.

Then we set out to find a place called Kildare’s, an Irish pub in Walkerville. (The area is named after Hiram Walker, who manufactured his booze there.) This afternoon, I’d thrilled to see loads of British sweets in the shops and for a brief second, the hazy stroll along the river side took Chris and I back to similar strolls along the south bank of the Thames in London. Somehow, fish and chips had come up and we did a Google search to find the best in the area and a place called Kildare House popped up.

Built inside a historic home in the area, Kildare’s is probably the most authentic British pub I’ve ever encountered in the states. The front room is dark, warm and filled with that wonderful sweet and cardboardy smell of pubs, with chairs arranged around some low tables and men holding up the long, shiny dark wooden bar.

We took a seat in a smaller room where the walls were decorated with photographs of Hiram Walker’s original manufacturing plant as well as some WWII letters and photos from a Dixon family. The menu offered tons of wonderful fare from my childhood – Shepherd’s pie, steak & kidney pie, fish and chips. And even though I’d wanted fish at the night’s outset, when I saw they were offering up Scottish pie with chips and beans – our traditional Saturday afternoon lunch when I was a wee lass in Glasgow – I couldn’t pass it up.

piesChris got the fish and it was the closest thing I’ve ever tasted to Scottish fish and chips, if you can forgive the substitution of halibut for cod. Even the diet coke had a sweet, syrupy flavor I remember from pub colas in my childhood. Lovely place, wonderful and dark. Everything was nostalgic, right down to the British-style service (read: indifferent.) There were plenty of genuine Irish and Scottish accents ringing out from the other room and I burst into a giant grin when I heard a gruff Glasgwegian voice good-naturedly declare someone “a fuckin’ fuck bastard.” My people have a way with words. I got misty-eyed.

We’d have stayed for the Monday night open mic if we weren’t two hours too early for it. So we drove around a bit to see what Windsor was about and the answer seems to be: bingo, “massage” parlors (complete with actual red lights), and strip malls. Plus, the odd auto manufacturer, seeing as how this is one of Canadia’s largest auto manufacturin’ cities. It is also the only place where you reach Canadia from the United States by heading south. And now that’ll have to do because I’m fresh out of facts about Windsor. I hope to gain some more tomorrow as we seek out a public sculpture park and an Underground Railroad Museum.

You can't make me a football fan.

It’s been a rather low-key week since my return from St. Louis, with much good socializing and getting-to-know fellows. Plus, it seems this week a sense of routine might finally have settled in, and I’m beginning to realize this isn’t exactly vacation. This is where our life is now. Friday night, Chris and I met up with some of the fellows at a bar called Conor O’Neil’s where we sat outside and ate some appetizers amidst throngs of Penn State thugs who had descended on the town for today’s football game. Occasionally, people walked or drove past the pub, noticed the crowd of Penn State fans and yelled out “We are.” In response, the goombas sitting near us all stood up and bellowed “Penn State!” I mean, really. This is their cheer? Identifying themselves?

Then we walked over to The State Theater and saw Junebug, an interesting little flick that I can’t decide whether or not I liked. We did get to have coffee after the show with Graham, Rainey and Luis Venker (the editor from Buenos Aires). It was really the first opportunity I’ve had to sit down with Luis and try to communicate. His English has become so much stronger, my Spanish is still virtually non-existent.

We talked, among other things, about sports fanaticism and he expressed surprise that the Penn State fans would walk around with their team shirts on. In Argentina, he said, if there is a soccer match scheduled with Brazil, fans of the latter don’t dare identify themselves in public. “What happens if they do?” I asked. “They get killed,” Luis said. Since I’ve arrived here, countless people have told me that I simply “have to” experience at least one Michigan football game. I’m absolutely perplexed as to why. “There’s nothing like it,” one person said, in an attempt to convince me. Yeah, well, I bet there’s nothing quite like electrocution but I’m not gunning to check it out, either.

It reminds me of the fact that I don’t like sushi. That is, when you tell people you don’t like sushi, they don’t believe you. They assume you haven’t tried it (which I have, many times) or you just haven’t tried it at the right place. Sushi lovers cannot accept your failure to see things their way; they are culinary evangelists.

Similarly, people can’t accept the fact that I hate a) football, b) crowds and c) our nation’s absolutely ridiculous obsession with sporting events. They still want me to go. And, for some reason – perhaps all of my resolve was in the tooth I had removed – I agreed to accompany Chris to this week’s match with Penn State.

I should note that I still didn’t get why I should go. (Another person said to me, “I’ve never seen so much yellow and blue in one place.” Now, see, that doesn’t sound to me like a reason to go somewhere. More like a reason not to go somewhere….) But I agreed that if everyone thought I should, maybe I was missing something. Thus, around 2 o’clock today, Chris and I ventured out from our house to walk the mile or so over to the stadium.

Within blocks of our house, we found ourselves marching in step with Wolverine fans, all decked out in the team’s unfortunate colors. We passed the high school field on our right, where tailgaters had been occupying coveted space since early the previous evening. The crowd grew thicker on either side of Stadium Boulevard. People were jostling now, pushing past one another with beer bottles or plastic cups of bottles.

As we gathered at the intersection of Stadium and Main, police officers used whistles and a loudspeaker to bring traffic to halt and to let us lemmings cross en masse. Next to me, some young men were grunting out unidentifiable guttural sounds. People became completely indistinguishable from one another.

Yes, there was energy in the air but it didn’t strike me as particularly positive energy, tinged as it was with possibility. Yes, there is something to behold in the collective conscious of so many people gathered in any one place, for any purpose. But all these people – the stadium seats 110,000 – were pushing forward for what? A football game? I paused on the far side of the road, right outside the entrance to the stadium and just watched the next wave of people waiting their turn to cross. And I thought: I hate this. I truly, completely hate this.

Sometimes, the universe hands you a gift. And in my case, my gift was the combination of my ignorance of stadium policy and the fact that my purse measured more than five inches by eight inches. I was refused entry by a man pushing 80, who used a protractor-like plastic guide to illustrate to me exactly how out of bounds my purse – bulging with, of course, sun screen, reading material, an apple, etc. – was. Chris’ face fell. “Oh, man,” he said. The relief I felt was indescribable. “No,” I said bravely. “You must go in. The fellows…they’re counting on you.” “But…” he stammered. “I can’t possibly go in without you.” “Oh, yes,” I said. “Yes, you can. Be brave. Be strong!”

And with that, Chris entered the stadium and I turned around and faced the task of crossing the road in the opposite direction of hundreds of Michigan football fans. I bobbed and wove my way across the street, the flickers of yellow and blue making me dizzy as I went. It took me one block, then two and finally three blocks towards our house before the crowd died down and the sidewalk opened up and I felt completely free. You know, the way you do when you have a beautiful Saturday on your hands and you get to spend it any way you want to.

Meet the hero

If you were keeping track of such things, you'd know that we've been here in Ann Arbor for more than a month now. And if you were the sort to dwell on such things, you might note that this means the fellowship is 1/8th over. Try not to freak out about it. Time is flying, especially this past week, part of which I spent back "home" in St. Louis. I put "home" in fancy quotation marks because after a few days there, sleeping at a friend's house and driving around feeling a bit like a nomad, I'm driven to wonder what defines home. I own a house in St. Louis, but someone's renting it right now. I have friends in St. Louis but I have friends lots of other places.

But that's far too philosophical a musing for someone coping with the massive pain left behind from having a molar yanked from my head on Monday. If you have never experienced the very odd sensation of having one of your teeth wrenched away from your jaw bone, if you've never heard the crunching noise as it comes apart under the weight of your dentist's pliers, then you are a lucky soul.

Then again, as I have had so many opportunities to recall lately, I am a lucky soul as well. It was truly wonderful to see so many friends over a whirlwind weekend in the Lou, especially all my ladies. Here is what I know: it's good to be known. It's good to be somewhere where people know you. That I miss, sometimes.

10.11.05 Wallace House006 I arrived back home late Monday night after a really trying Southwest airlines flight and although I was tempted to stay in bed all day Tuesday and pity my bloody-gummed self, there was no way I was going to miss Paul Rusesabagina's visit to the Wallace House. (You can check out my Flickr set of pics from the day here.)

We were served a smashing spread for lunch that day before Rusesabagina spoke. In fact, I didn't realize he had arrived until I sat down next to Chris with my plate balanced on my lap and looked up to realize that there, in a chair two feet from me, was Paul Rusesabagina. I recognized him from pictures and am proud of the fact that I did not dissolve with rock-star appreciation and drop to my knees at his feet. Instead, I concentratd on balancing my plate in my lap and made conversation with him about what he does now that he is not longer in the hotel business or in the business of saving 1,200-odd people from certain death. The answer, as it happens, is that Mr. Rusesabagina is now a business man, the owner of a trucking company in Africa. "That must be hard to do," I said, "considering how much time you spend traveling and speaking." He smiled and nodded. "Too much time," he said.

To kick off the event proper, Charles Eisendrath reminded us that Paul's talk was off the record and that what he said in our presence stayed in our presence. (Thus, I cannot regale you with specifics, else I would have to kill you.) After Charles' brief words, our own Fellow Thomas Kamilindi introduced his friend Paul, whom he referred to as "immortal." Indeed.

Did I mention I was star struck? In truth, Paul Rusesabagina could have stood and talked about pixies and I would have hung onto every word. We've met some very impressive folks thus far in the fellowship, but I don't know that I've before experienced the sensation that you're in the room with a man who is a true hero, a man who made history with his brave deeds.

Rusesabagina, of course, brushes off the notion that he's a hero, that he was simply a hotel manager doing his job. He seems to think that he simply did what everyone would have done were they in his shoes. It's a nice thought, but I'm not sure he's right. I don't know what I'm capable of, but I'm not a particularly brave person. I don't know that I'd have the courage simply to choose courage rather than fear.

Paul was generous in answering questions that ranged in topics from how the media should cover events in Africa to whether or not he chose Don Cheadle to play him in the movie. And while he spoke off the record, I don't think he'd mind my saying that his main objective, in all of this - in making the movie, in giving speeches - is to raise global awareness of genocide. He wants, I think, to ensure that what happened in Rwanda never happens again - that the world never turns away again.

Even though we already are, of course.

Where have all the knitters gone?

It's Saturday, early afternoon, and I've arrived back in St. Louis in anticipation of having a fractured tooth attended to on Monday morning by my trusty dentist. I thought I'd perform a sneak attack on the old knitting gang at Harford, so I had a friend drop me off here. And no one's here. Not one knitter! Where are the parade of regulars who come waltzing through on Saturdays? Where is the falafel crowd? Curse you all, then. I'll drink my non-fat latte and type away on my laptop like every other person in here.

Sheesh. I can go and sit in a coffee house where I don't know anyone any day of the week in Ann Arbor!

Every day is multicultural day at the Wallace House

The first time I watched Hotel Rwanda, on DVD, I sat on the couch for about an hour afterwards, sobbing, inconsolable. The second time I watched it, this past Thursday evening, I watched with (somehow) both greater investment and greater detachment. Usually, when I watch a film like this I have no trouble letting empathetic tears well in my eyes. But that's hard to do without feeling like a big fat faker when Thomas Kamilindi is sitting two feet away from you. As I've written in previous posts, Thomas is a Rwandan journalist who sought refuge at the Hotel Mille Collines. The on-screen Hollywood recreations of scenes of slaughter and genocide were things he experienced with his own eyes. The horror, the terror - all of it is no longer celluloid depictions but Thomas' actual life. It is simply unimaginable to me.

After the screening, we gathered somewhat awkardly around Thomas, who was seeing the film for the third time. "But every time," he said in his thick accent, "it is the same thing." What on earth do you say to someone who has lived through this? Apologizing - for what? and on behalf of whom? Americans? all humanity? - just isn't enough. Still, it was all I could manage. Later, I asked him how it was that he emerged from this without hatred for the United States. Perhaps I was looking to assuage my own guilt with such a query. He answered, "There is no point to be angry...What good would it do? It is late now. I can understand why we are not important to the Americans. Why should we be? It is late." And again, softly, "It is late."

------

We've been here only three weeks and already I'm feeling so much more aware. So much more conscious of the fiber of the world outside of St. Louis. Knowing Thomas has been a huge part of that as has learning about Turkey from Semiha, Argentina from Luis and South Korea from Min-Ah.

I've also learned a great deal about what journalists in the US take for granted from Vanessa Bauza, a Puerto Rico native who has been living in Cuba for the past four years reporting for the Miami Herald. It is, as one might imagine, an entirely different world there and doing what seems a straightforward job here is rendered infinitely more complex under the auspices of the Cuban government.

In a column she wrote just before coming to Ann Arbor, Vanessa discusses some of the things that have made her job difficult - political sensitivities, government intervention, the absence of freedom of information. It's not at all dissimilar in many ways to the conditions under which Thomas had to work in Rwanda and it makes you realize that the simple act of being able to pick up a phone and call a source - without worrying about who's listening or what consequences it will bring for you and your family - is something we can't just take for granted.

Now, let me get down off my soap box and continue with my tales of intercultural wonder. On Friday, I attended a fantastic session of a workshop sponsored by the U's Ginsberg Center for Community Service & Learning. The overall theme of the workshop was Learning from the Community and my afternoon session was about Listening & Communicating Across Cultural Lines.

The session was facilitated by Rudolfo Altamirano, Director of the International Center, University of Michigan, whose entertaining and endearing style drew us all into a highly interactive discussion about cultural cues. He talked a lot about styles of communication, including non-verbal communication, and it was a pretty applicable talk that got me wondering how our Argentinian, Turkish, Sout Korean, Australian and Rwandan fellows might interpret some of our gestures and habits. Good stuff. I'd like to see him come to the Wallace House to discuss such fascinating differences with the Fellows. (Hint, hint, for those in a position to "murmur" him....)

Another great week of speakers

Before I forget, let me regale you with tales of Tuesday night’s Wallace House activities which were a combination of fascinating, informative, moving and delicious – not necessarily in that order. Our speaker that afternoon was a woman named Valerie Red-Horse. Describing Valerie as accomplished seems a bit of an understatement. It’s not often you’ll find a woman whose credentials have appeared in both Forbes and on IMDB.com, a woman who is an entrepreneur, a financial advisor, investment banker, actress (), writer, producer, director and documentary filmmaker and activist for American Indians (her word choice.) And the model for Mattel’s Pocahontas doll, to boot. Valerie told us a little of her background, particularly her involvement in building casinos on reservations and her opinions on the mistreatment of the Native American communities by the press. She left the majority of the session open for questions, which ranged from her thoughts on expanding American Indian financial endeavors.

Next, we had another round of Fellows presenting themselves to the group. First up, Graham Griffith shared his life tale, along with his wife Rainey Tisdale. He’s a senior producer for WBUR's On Point in Boston, a show that emerged from NPR’s coverage of the 9-11 terrorist attacks. Quite the accomplished young lad and a good egg to boot. Rainey works at the Boston Historical Society, where her specialty (as I understand it) focuses on artifacts – the things of our past and their significance. She’s passionate about her work, which was evident in some slides she showed us and her desire to learn about and appreciate the significance of these objects is truly infectious. (It’s also a good time to note that Rainey and Graham were very welcoming to us when we arrived, extending a dinner invitation to us the first night and they have continued to initiate a number of fun activities.) After Graham, Thomas Kamilindi spoke, sharing with us his life’s tale in halting English. Kamilindi is at the University of Michigan from Rwanda, here filling a relatively new slot in the Fellowship of journalists under credible threats of death for their work. He spoke to use about growing up in Rwanda with a true community spirit that is now gone. As a child, he said, everyone in the village was his parents, his uncles, his aunts. All the elders were there to guide and, when necessary, reprimand the children. It really did, in his case, take a village.

Thomas Kamilindi

He claims no credit for his being accepted into high school in Rwanda, which is not an option for most children. The government decides who attends and both Thomas and his sister were chosen. A number of serendipitous circumstances led to Thomas’ entrée into the world of radio broadcasting, including his involvement with a theater troop that performed twice in front of Rwanda’s then-president Habyarimana and a chance encounter on the street.

Thomas had been a news reporter on the government-owned radio station for a number of years as the tension between the Hutus and Tutsis simmered. He had also been actively involved in leading radio employees to strike against the government before resigning in 1994. A few months later, Thomas was celebrating his birthday when they received the news that the president’s plane had been shot down. “That was it,” he said. “It all went away. Oh, my god. Away went the cake. It was bad.”

Thomas had heard that the Hotel des Mille Collines (known to movie-goers as Hotel Rwanda) had some UN peace keeping forces and it took him two days to make the trip there, a journey that was normally a 15-minute walk. Once at the hotel, Thomas was able to send for his family. There, he said, they survived the genocide with the help of Paul Rususabagina and eventually got out. (Rusesabagina, the manager of the Hotel, will be speaking on campus and at a private lunch with the Fellows next Thursday.) Since then, his reporting has landed him in jail, including two stints earlier this year before coming to the university.

But there was a lot Thomas didn’t tell us that I later discovered on my own. A liberal Hutu married to a Tutsi, Thomas had been forced – during his time at the radio station – to broadcast the very hate messages he abhorred, the messages that incited hate and violence against the “cockroaches,” as the Tutsis were called. He didn’t mention that he narrowly escaped death on more than one occasion, that he has had a loaded pistol held to his temple and was saved when an officer who recognized him happened by. He didn’t mention that while he was at the Hotel, he actively tried to get word of the massacre out to the White House, the Elysees Palace and human rights organizations. He didn’t mention that he gave an interview to French radio from the hotel, an act which resulted in the government sending a soldier with the express mission to kill Thomas. (He was spared when, by happenstance, the soldier turned out to be a childhood friend.) And he didn’t mention that while he and his wife and younger daughter survived the massacre, their five-year-old daughter – who was visiting with her Tutsi grandparents at the time – did not. In a BBC interview, he says:

"It is very difficult to put my life experiences behind me and to forget. I and my wife live with it all the time. It is part of me. Sometimes I shut myself in a room and cry when I think about my first born, my little girl Mamee. It's difficult when you know you were about to be killed and you survived but your child was killed".

But perhaps that’s the very private pain that he must navigate while talking about a very public tragedy, a monstrosity. It is, to say the very least, humbling to sit in the presence of someone who has known true suffering and displayed true courage in a way few of us ever can or will. Thomas Kamilindi is an exceptionally kind man, always smiling, always laughing and practicing his English in a soft-spoken manner. It’s impossible for me to imagine that someone who has been not through hell, but to it – someone who has lived under the most dangerous and difficult circumstances life has to offer any of us – walks through life today with such openness. Such warmth. Such grace.

Read a Guardian UK interview with Thomas here.

They're right about that time thing

It's difficult for me to believe that it was two years ago this morning my mother died at 60 of a heart attack. At the time, the pain and confusion and anger were all so intense I would never have believed you had you said that, in time, it would get easier. I would never have believed you had you said that life goes on - albeit in a new, indescribably changed way. I started the day by calling my Grandmother in Glasgow. At 87, she's had a hard enough time dealing with the deaths of all her contemporaries, let alone adjusting to the death of her own daughter. And Scottish people are not traditionally "feelings" people - unless they're stinking drunk, of course, and then they're annoyingly emotional. There's a real sense of dusting yourself off, pulling up your boot straps and moving on with your life.

But my Grandma likes to talk about my mother. She wants to hear about her. I think, like all of us, she carries that fear that if we don't talk about her daughter Anne, she will disappear from our memories. While I know now that will never happen, I feel it's one small thing I can do for my grandmother, to be there and be willing to talk about it. I also left a message for my father, for whom this anniversary is no doubt the hardest. I don't think that, two years ago, he believed he would survive this, let alone find any sense of happiness again. It seems like a miracle - to him, to all of us - that joy has been rediscovered. Perhaps it isn't constant (or even dominant) but it's there. There is a reason to go on, it seems. It's just strange navigating it under these new circumstances.

For me? I'm okay today. I really am. It's not that the day doesn't feel slightly heavier than others. It's just that I'm not really down with the idea of remembering someone by the day they died. I remember my mother every day, in small ways and large. I will never forget the significance of October 5, but I don't want it always to be a black mark on the calendar.

And there's the ladybug thing. I'm reluctant to write about it because I'm afraid of looking like a raging idiot rather than the sensible pragmatist I like to imagine myself being. But here goes....A couple of days after my mother died, I was sitting in my sister's van with my niece Rebecca, then four and perhaps my mother's favorite person in the world. A ladybug landed on the window of the van and Rebecca turned to me and said, "Grandma says never to kill ladybugs. It's bad luck."

Over the past two years, on an alarming number of occasions when I am thinking or talking about my mother - regardless of the season or the weather - ladybugs appear. It's the strangest thing. Is it the same thing as when you hear a word for the first time and suddenly it's everywhere? Was it always there and you just didn't notice it before? I have no idea.

I do know that I've been thinking about my mother a lot in the past few weeks and the bugs keep coming. In Target, of all places, I was thinking about her while browsing a rack of sale shirts when I felt something land on my hand. I looked down and there was a bright red ladybug transferring itself from my hand to the handle of my shopping cart, where it stayed for a good ten minutes. I didn't notice it fly away.

And last night, during the revelry of another fine Fellowship feast (about which I will write later), I felt this sudden rush of sadness and stepped in the bathroom to remove myself from the rowdy bunch. I was gathering myself together and glanced down at the floor and there, on the bathroom of the Wallace House, was a single ladybug making her way across the tiles.

I'm sure entymologists probably have a perfectly sane answer for it. Perhaps there's been a spike in the ladybug population. Perhaps they're always there and I'm only staring at the floor when I'm sad. But despite my status as a card-carrying cynic, I'm not sure I want the real-world answer just let. I think I'll have these moments for now. In some small way, they help.

There's a bear in a firetruck

Our neighborhood in Ann Arbor is, architecturally (and crassly) speaking, Mike Brady's wet dream. In fact, it seems like all the houses in A2 were built in either the early 1900s or the mid-1970s. Most of our neighborhood and many of the surrounding area business buildings fall squarely in the latter category. The houses are low-slung, linear ranches with clean lines and "funky" geometric half-walls, angles and window shapes. At night, you can sometimes catch a glimpse inside of a split-level structure and see the glorious wood paneled walls and the giant orb of an overhead light dangling on a chain.

A couple of blocks from us, we discovered a rather entertaining display in the horizontal picture window of one of these homes. It was sort of a still life with stuffed animals featuring, as near as we could tell (for it was not professionally lit but, rather, back lit, obscuring the full effect) three bears in a firetruck. A large one at the rear, complete with fire hat, a smaller middle one and a tiny one in front. Needless to say, as anyone who knows Chris and I well enough will suspect, we immediately invented a song about these bears. (For those who don't know us well, we do this sort of thing with alarming frequency for actual grownups.) It goes to a tune sort of like "Brandy" but not quite and has surprisingly dark lyrics:

There's a bear in a firetruck
And his name, it might be Chuck (Ed note: might be reaching here, lyrically speaking)
He's comin' up from the rear
Ah-does the littlest bear have something ta fear?

Great song, right? We thought we'd be able to entertain ourselves with this diddy for months, but lo, we arrived home from a meeting last night and as we drove past the house in question, Chris let out a gasp that had me fearing he'd just run over a small child. The bears are gone. Gone! In their place is another display which - again with the backlighting - we could not quite discern. Perhaps a random arrangement of smaller stuffed beings on little display stands? A spray of gnome-like creatures?

Is it too much to hope that whoever this person is*, with all kinds of time and stuffed animals on his/her hands, he/she changes the display monthly? Was the September display a nod to our brothers and sisters in honor of the anniversary of September 11?

And, perhaps most importantly, why on earth...?

Hard to say. But I promise you this: we will find out. And if I can convince my husband not to be such a weenie about these things, we'll provide photographic evidence. (Please note that I have remembered to take my camera with me precisely nowhere since we arrived - but we are here! Really! We're not just renting a house in Chesterfield and making the whole thing up....)

*We believe we did catch a glimpse of the perp through the window the other night and it is either a tall, slightly effeminate man or Bea Arthur.

A weekend away

Last week, I made my first foray into the world of knitting in Ann Arbor. As most of you know, I’m an avid – if not obsessive – knitter and I must admit I’m missing my Saturday morning knitting sessions at Hartford Coffee Company. We usually have Fellowship events on Tuesday and Thursday evenings, but I decided I was knit-deficient enough to go straight from tutoring at 826 Michigan on Tuesday to Zingerman’s Next Door, where the knitters gather. It was a surprisingly large group there, including many, like me, who were there for the first time. The way the tables were set up it was a tad loud trying to chat and get to know everyone. Still, there’s a comforting feeling to being surrounded by those as mad for something as me. As far as I can tell, there aren’t really any groups in the area that meet on other nights. And Thursday I rose early after a night of steady rain and cool breezes to catch a flight from Detroit to Indianapolis – by way of Chicago, naturally. It was my Dad’s 63rd birthday and that evening, my sister, her husband, my three nieces and I met him half way between Indianapolis and Louisville for dinner at Max & Erma’s. It was my first visit to such a place and although I was more successful than certain members of the group in avoiding such monstrosities as the “garbage burger,” my willpower was no match for a sundae bar in a repurposed old claw foot bathtub. (After all, ice cream and taking baths are two of my favorite things.)

Friday, my sister and I embarked on the complicated business of gathering everything together for Rebecca’s seventh birthday party, slated for Sunday. My sister half-asses nothing where her children are concerned and when she says we’re having a birthday carnival, she damn well means it. Chris arrived that evening, just in time to run one of many subsequent errands picking up popcorn, cotton candy, craft supplies, paper plates and the alarming number of accoutrements required to entertain 23 children for two hours.

Yes, you read that right. Twenty-three children.

Today was said carnival and I must say, it went swimmingly. After nearly passing out from blowing up balloons for the dart-toss board, I unwisely chose to get the party started with the ring toss. (There was a glut of interest at the face-painting table and I felt obliged to distract some of the children.) Thus, I spent the next hour shouting like a carnie barker, encouraging children to lob plastic rings over 2-liter bottles of soda, doling out tickets for prizes and, quite frankly, sweating like a hog.

For the record, I managed to avoid both the corn dogs and the funnel cakes (the former because they’re gross and the latter because there aren’t enough Weight Watcher points in the world). I cannot say the same for some nachos and a slice of birthday cake. It was a whirlwind weekend and I miss seeing my girls, but Chris and I feel quite content with our decision to have cats. They’re so much easier than children. For example, at Allie’s last birthday, we only invited six cats to the carnival. Much more manageable.

Now we’re in the car and I’m tapping away on my tiny li’l new laptop – which, at just under five pounds, is far easier for me to lug around town than the heavier one that has now become Chris’ very own – as we hurtle through the evening on our way back to Ann Arbor. It takes somewhere between four and five hours to get from Indy to Ann Arbor – not a terribly long trip, but I find my tolerance for long car trips has waned greatly now that I no longer smoke and drink beer the whole time.

I suppose one thing I didn’t expect from this long weekend in Indy is that I would actually miss Ann Arbor. It seems I’ve become used to the pace of our life there quite quickly and it’s a spoiled, spoiled existence, people – rising just late enough not to be a lazy bones, having choices about how you wish to spend your hours. Granted, my freelancer life in St. Louis was a lot like that, but it’s different in Michigan. Probably because it is, after all, in Michigan.

Snake oil or salvation?

In the interest of full disclosure, let me make one thing perfectly clear: I am not a fan of David Lynch’s films. I’ve seen most of them in my time and while in college pretended to adore Eraserhead because I love a boy who loved it. I never understood the appeal of his TV show Twin Peaks (which seemed to me self-consciously weird simply for the sake of being so), couldn’t stand Laura Dern’s whining through Wild at Heart and finished Mulholland Drive wondering how I could get the last two hours of my life back. All of this is not to say, of course, that I don’t admire the man, that I can’t appreciate his real originality, don’t appreciate his creativity on so many levels in creating films that can only be described – from the dialog to the art design to the soundtrack – as Lynchian. I’m not sure I understand why his web site is pay for play or what on earth motivated him to webcast videos of himself reading the weather, but there’s little I won’t give you on a poetic license pass.

Nor am I a fan of transcendental meditation. Actually, that may not be true. I may be a fan of it – hell, I may even be a prodigy. I just don’t know much about it. So it was odd even to me when I found myself at the Power Center on the U-M campus on Sunday evening to hear Lynch (and others) talk about TM and how it will bring about world peace. But there I was, just curious enough, to join up with Chris and two of the Fellows – Vanessa Bauza and Charles Clover – and find out a little bit about the David Lynch Foundation for Consciousness-Based Education and World Peace. We sat in the balcony of the packed auditorium – I read later that people were waiting in the lobby, hoping for an empty seat – as three men walked out on a completely bare stage. In the middle was Lynch, who took the stage to a rather spotty standing ovation, clad in a black suit and a long thin black tie offset by the trademark whoosh of gray hair. After brief (but not brief enough) introductions, Lynch took to the podium and kicked off the evening by taking questions.

For the uninitiated, Lynch has a rather grating, nasal voice, perhaps the least likely public speaking voice since David Sedaris. The evening was clearly supposed to be about Lynch’s 32-year, twice-daily love affair with transcendental meditation and how his Foundation can bring about an end to struggle and misery across the globe. But that didn’t deter failed and fledgling filmmakers and fans – mostly eager young men in untucked shirts – from asking questions about his films. Questions they’d likely spent hours practicing, ultimately stumbling over their own attempts to sound intelligent and informed. And I guarantee you every one of them had a screenplay aching to burst free from his hard drive, if only….

In fact, the very first question involved whether or not Lynch could help the asker find an agent for his screen play – which is either really ballsy or really annoying, depending on your perspective. Further questions praised Dune and Eraserhead and inquired as to when the second season of Twin Peaks was coming out on DVD. And every time, Lynch managed to draw his answer (if sometimes clumsily) back to TM and the Maharishi Somethingorother, who teaches TM from his university. In Iowa. Which is, after all, the global capital for spiritual wellbeing. (Although Lynch did offer the odd creative nugget, such as, “Always write your ideas down because if you forget them, you’ll feel like killing yourself.”)

Lynch spoke of the process by which TM brings consciousness, then understanding, then awareness, then wakefulness. He spoke of his Foundation’s goal of raising $7 billion to provide consciousness-raising education for middle-school children. He said that TM has changed everything, that with it “life gets better” and “the weight comes off” and “it’s the thing.” As he spoke, he made emphatic wiggling motions with his right hand, urging us to learn how to “get that glow going.” And people asked questions about his movies, while feigning interest in the topic at hand. Like, “When you were filming Dune, which is like the greatest greatest movie of all time and I am such a total fan and I’ve seen it like four thousand times and think you’re a frickin’ genius and like did you meditate a lot?”

After the questions, Lynch relented the podium to one of his co-presenters, Dr. John Hagelin, one of his partners in the Foundation and perhaps most commonly known from the film “What the Bleep Do We Know?” Man, I hated that film. But I digress…. Hagelin started off with some crowd-warming humor and all I have to say is never trust a bald man who opens with a hair joke. It’s all down hill from there.

Nor should you trust anyone who talks in a soothing, sing-song cadence clearly meant for brainwashing large groups. Or a man who wrote a thesis about super string. Is that like silly string? Or a man who says, “At our core, you and I are one.” You’re just bound to get your heart broken on that one. Hagelin is pushing us toward a “super unified reality.” He is one step short of inviting us to live with him on an abandoned film set.

But Hagelin did say some interesting things, many of which I didn’t understand at all. He talked about the fact that we only use a small percentage of our brains and described TM as a process by which we tap into the unused areas and get our whole brain working in concert. He also spoke about our being born with unbound awareness and then systematically taught to focus our knowledge and awareness on increasing specifics. Through TM, he said, we can learn how to “de-focus” and tap into our unbounded inner-consciousness. Man, that sounds great. Whatever it means.

Next, Dr. Fred Travis took the stage and treated us to a pretty cool demonstration of the “EEG of higher states of consciousness.” He trotted out his victim, a young man in a standard issue grad student sweater vest and a blue rubber cap with wires running out of it to a little white box. Travis starting showing pictures of the human brain and its activity waves and my own brain sent up a giant “Science!” red flag and immediately shut down. But I was with the program again when he had his monkey-boy meditate on demand and it was clear – okay, somewhat clear – that something happens in the brain when we meditate. Something. I’m just not sure what, exactly.

At the end, Lynch took the podium again to field more questions. “I’m not selling anything,” he said. But of course he is. He’s selling us on TM. He’s selling us on his own experience. He’s selling us on world peace, which would be achieved if we’d all just meditate, dammit. And it’s a convincing spiel. I could fall for it, I suppose, under the right circumstances and I’m not sure I’d even know if it was snake oil or salvation.